Grandparents today

9:44am Tuesday 2nd September 2008

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Forget grey hair, knitting and baking – grandmother’s today have a different role to play. CHARLOTTE PERCIVAL meets one of the modern breed of grandparents.

WE all know a Super Gran – and not just that fictional character from children’s books.

The grannies of today are often light years away from their predecessors, having active social lives, a love of foreign holidays and an understanding ear to lend to their grandchildren.

They are often invaluable babysitters, too. When Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins recently, it was Brad Pitt’s parents who stepped in to help with the rest of their brood. And when Victoria Beckham jet-sets off with her boys, quite often her mum does too.

It can be hard to spot the modern grandparents. There are 14 million grandparents in the UK, and one in two people have grandchildren by the time they are 54.

Some grandparents are even younger, and as new grandma Tracey Howarth knows, you don’t have to have grey hair and a pinny to qualify.

“I’m a trendy blonde. People say they can’t believe I’m a grandma, but then they say that to my mum too,” she laughs. “You look at old books and see grannies with grey hair tied back in a bun with a pinny on, sewing and baking. I think grandmas today are trendier and younger.

“Especially with teenage pregnancies, some grandmothers are in their 30s.”

Tracey, 43, of Clifton, became a grandma 19 weeks ago, when her 21-year-old daughter, Natalie, gave birth to Elouise.

“I feel that I’m younger than my grandmother was with me, although having said that, I’m probably not – when I was born my grandmother was only in her 40s,” she says.

“There was more of a family tradition then. At Easter, me and my brother would go with our grandma to buy new socks and shoes and go to the working men’s club to paint Easter eggs. My mum did that with my kids and hopefully I’ll do that with Elouise.

“We had lots of family things and went to Grandma’s on Boxing Day, whereas things are different now and it’s harder to get everyone together, although I try to retain those values.

“We would go to the caravan in Primrose Valley with our grandparents on a weekend, and she would look after us during the school holidays. She was our second mum and we were very close,”

Matters were slightly different when Tracey’s mum, Janet, became a grandmother. She was more broadminded with her grandchildren, and a willing listener.

“My children are very open with her. She has a great relationship with them and will advice them,” said Tracey.

“I’m going on holiday in two weeks and she’s coming over to make sure they are okay and everything is as it should be.

“I was always there to do the school run, but if I couldn’t go for whatever reason she would step into my shoes.”

Fundamentally, the role of the grandmother has remained the same, believes Tracey – to be a second mum. But as times change, so does the role of the grandparent.

“You have to always be there for them, advise them, try to keep them on the straight and narrow, explain things to them, maybe if their parents are seeing it with different eyes explain to them that they love them,” she said. “But I’m definitely no baker.”

Meanwhile, grandmother-of-five Jackie Highe, has written The Modern Grandparents’ Guide.

“Our grandparents were really, really old,” said Jackie. “They gave up at about 60. They probably weren’t that much older than us in years, but they started wearing carpet slippers and not doing very much. The women were shapeless cause they’d had a lot of children and were not very fashionable. And the men were stubborn. They might have been nice, but they wore a stiff collar and tie and they didn’t roll around on the floor playing with the little ones, stuff like that.

“I’ve been married for 40 years and we’re very active grandparents. We go scuba diving, horse riding and have our grandchildren to stay.

“The other day we took them to an open air museum. I stripped the kids to the waist so they could go and build bricks and get dirty and they had a ball! My gran never took us out for the day.”

However, as many grandparents know, there are many emotional and practical dilemmas facing modern grandparents.

Baby-sitting, overseeing homework, teenage sleepovers... knowing when to hold your tongue and when to speak up.

“My experience is that even the most perfect grandparent will interfere at some point. There’ll be a time when you’ll say something and think, ‘I shouldn’t have said that, I should have kept my mouth shut’.

“The rule of thumb is to think about what’s really important in the long term and decide what you’re going to make your stand over. What’s going to have a long term effect on your grandchild. Say something like favouritism, it’s probably worth putting your sixpence in and upsetting your children.”

Sometimes however, it’s best to keep your counsel.

“If it’s something like bedtime or table manners don’t get involved. You should be able to judge from having your own children what things will really last. OK, you could argue table manners but I think it’s worth choosing your fights. Otherwise, you’re just going to be an interfering old bat.”

* The Modern Grandparents’ Guide by Jackie Highe is published by Little Brown, £10.99.

Highe’s top tips on how to be a good grandparent

* Love them, just love them.

* See as much of them as you can – take them off your children’s hands when your kids want to have a dirty weekend away.

* Be relaxed with them and have fun – let your hair down and be a child with them. That way it’ll feel like being young again.

* Don’t spoil them and don’t let them get away with murder.

* Don’t have different discipline standards from their parents; you have to all agree a strategy – smacking or not smacking – and whatever it is, stick to it because otherwise you confuse your grandchild.

* If you live far away, send them little parcels. Kids love getting things in the post. Email them or phone them. Try to talk to them even if it’s only for a few minutes. Don’t let things drift. Make a big effort.